تحولات بی‌سرانجام

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   ۱۴ تیر ۱۴۰۵ | ۱:۱۹ قبل از ظهر

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   نظر جمنای:
   From a psychoanalytic and psychological perspective, your text highlights a classic struggle between the “Real Self” and the “Ideal Self,” wrapped in a cycle of nighttime anxiety and perfectionism. Here is a breakdown of the psychological themes present in your writing:

   ۱. The 1 AM “All-or-Nothing” Trap
   “I have an inappropriate insistence on changing everything all at once… Suddenly I want to study, get work done, and lose weight.”

   In psychology, this is known as Splitting or All-or-Nothing thinking. The sudden, late-night urge to overhaul your entire life—diet, career, studies, and exercise—is rarely about actual productivity. Instead, it is a coping mechanism. When the ego feels overwhelmed by a sense of stagnation or a lack of control during the day, it compensates at night by creating an impossibly grand, idealized version of yourself. Because the goals are so massive (changing everything at once), they are subconsciously designed to fail, which unfortunately reinforces the cycle.

   ۲. Repetition Compulsion & Hyper-Self-Awareness
   “This concept of transformation is something I’ve thought about many times. Written about it many times. And of course, this is true about the very writing of ‘I’ve written about it many times’.”

   You possess a high degree of metacognition (thinking about your own thinking). However, in psychoanalysis, this mirrors Repetition Compulsion—the unconscious drive to repeat familiar patterns, even painful ones. You are completely aware of the cycle (the sudden motivation, the eventual crash), but intellectualizing the problem doesn’t stop it. Your brain is using self-awareness as a substitute for action; by recognizing the trap, you feel a temporary sense of relief, even as you walk right back into it.

   ۳. Oral Fixation and Emotional Regulation
   “Nights at 1 to 3 AM… usually return with chips and yogurt… This time I went to get gum… Even though after a short 1-2 week period my jaw hurts.”

   Late-night snacking is rarely about physical hunger; it is an attempt to self-soothe. In classical psychoanalysis, this is tied to an Oral Fixation—using consumption to fill an emotional void or manage anxiety. Swapping sweets for gum is a practical harm-reduction strategy, but the fact that you chew it until your jaw hurts suggests you are transferring the internal psychological tension into a physical sensation. You are using the physical pain/distraction in your jaw to quiet the noise in your head.

   ۴. Self-Sabotage & Displacement
   “I don’t have proper shoes/clothes for running. I bought one for soccer… but I offered it to my dad… The phone’s OS needs changing. It seems problematic lately, hope it’s not hardware.”

   Your mind cleverly creates external barriers to avoid internal failure. By giving your good athletic gear to your father, you engineered a socially acceptable excuse (generosity) for why you cannot run.
   Similarly, projecting your internal feelings of being “buggy” or “broken” onto your phone’s operating system is a defense mechanism called Displacement. It is much easier to focus on fixing a phone’s software or finding the right running shoes than it is to fix the heavy burden of unmet desires.

   ۵. Apathy vs. Peace, and Mourning Potential
   “They terrify me less now… It’s a pity. And the pity continues. Not just the major. Everything. Poof… Your destiny is what has happened to you. Do not complain.”

   There is a subtle undercurrent of depression and grief here. You mention that exams terrify you less, but this doesn’t sound like peace—it sounds like Apathy. You are mourning the gap between your potential (“what a great major I chose”) and your reality (“what a pity I don’t pursue it”). To protect yourself from the pain of this regret, your mind uses Fatalism (“This is the work of fate”). By deciding that your current state is just “destiny,” you absolve yourself of the exhausting pressure to change it.

   To answer your final question:
   “Though the fact I’m sleeping at this hour isn’t a very good sign. Right?”

   You are correct. Staying up until 1 to 3 AM making grand plans is usually a symptom of nighttime anxiety, not a blueprint for success. It is the mind’s way of desperately trying to regain control when the house is quiet and the distractions of the day are gone.

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